I used to often wake up before 5AM, head to the living room and get to work.
I woke up at the crack of dawn because it was the only way to fit everything in. I had client sessions and business meetings and networking events. I had admin like tracking expenses, preparing a social media calendar, responding to emails and writing blogs.
The to do list of business necessities ran on and on and on.
Add to that the desire to make time for life – for myself, for my friends, and for my husband – and you can understand how there was never enough time in the day.
We can really only achieve so much.
if you’re not careful, business kills relationships
The act of starting a business can be very selfish.
We allow so much of ourselves and our ego to get caught up in what we’re doing. We’re afraid to fail so we work day and night to prevent that from happening. We stress ourselves out in the hopes that doing more will prevent our demise.
The things that we once loved to do make it to the bottom of our to do list….if they make it on there at all.
I used to wake up super early in an attempt to minimise the impact on my husband. I figured if he was still sleeping, he wouldn’t notice that I was working.
I guess it was my way of making it better.
I’d get a good solid 3-4 hours in before he woke up, squeeze everything else into the “normal” working day and still make a bit of time for him in the evening.
He never complained, so I kept at it.
I said yes to a lot of opportunities.
Although they were (mostly) aligned to the longer term vision I had for my business, they were also a huge distraction. In 2015, I spent about 1/3 of the year away from home on business. That’s 120 days that I put my business first and not my marriage.
He never complained, so I burnt out.
2016 was meant to be different. I said I would travel less. I put a lot more energy into trying to salvage a broken marriage. My business and my work ethic weren’t the only reasons my relationship didn’t last, but they certainly didn’t help the situation. My focus had clearly been elsewhere for too long. My needs, my schedule, and my ability to make money came before my duties as a wife.
He finally complained. It was too late.
And once it was too late, business was finally forced onto the back burner. There was no time to blog, or tweet or even think about the next client.
Instead I tried desperately to figure out what the hell had gone wrong and how I could move forward.
so why am I telling you all this?
Because now that I know how he must have felt, it kinda sucks.
About a month ago, I came to Jamaica to try and start a new life with a new person. He runs his own business. Both of his parents run their own businesses. Entrepreneurship is in his blood. He is ambitious. He is determined. He is hungry.
And, just like me, he is selfish.
He doesn’t want to fail. He wants to prove to all the naysayers around him that he can do this. That he will succeed. That he can build something great.
But first comes the blood, sweat and tears.
First comes the late nights, the early starts and the long days in between.
First comes the neglect of self-care because it’s easy to forget the time and then realise we haven’t eaten or showered or done laundry in really long time.
First comes the broken promises because although the intentions are there, something will always come up. We don’t want to say no to opportunities. We want to go above and beyond what we promised in business. But that means that promises at home get neglected or forgotten.
first comes the need to put business first and EVERYTHING else last
And the funny thing is that you’d think I’d get it.
I went through it myself. I see all of my clients go through it. And I know there will come a day when I’ll go through it all again.
When I talk to other entrepreneurs about it, we all say that we just need a partner who is really supportive and understanding. One who understands our dreams and encourages us to keep going. But do we ever really stop and consider the impact that our actions are having on the people around us? Do we put even a fraction of the effort into our relationships that we do into our businesses?
I can tell you firsthand that watching someone you love go through the highs and lows of starting a business, rolling over to find the bed empty because someone is still working, holding your tongue because you want just a little attention but know that they’re working REALLY hard on something… all that starts to add up.
The pressure builds and builds and builds and home life can really start to feel like shit.
Take my word for it…business kills.
is there a better way?
Sometimes when the tension has already mounted, it can be hard to see things from a different perspective.
If you’re the one in the business, your stress may increase as you try to do your part at home. You may start talking less – neither sharing the joys or the hardships – because you feel that your partner no longer understands.
Quality may suffer as you rush to complete some work. You may sacrifice sleep just to get it all done, which in turn could stress you out a lot more and ultimately burn you out.
If you’re the one watching on as your loved one builds a business, you may start to feel resentment or anger. You may may start to assume that no promises will be kept, that you’ll be disappointed again, that you’ll come last for a long time.
You may also start talking less because you don’t want to say anything that could be interpreted as being unsupportive, which ultimately means that issues aren’t getting discussed or resolved and the giant elephant still sits in the room.
If either of these paths continue for too long, business may succeed but your relationships may not.
over to you
As always, I’d love to hear from you. Have you found your relationships to be more challenging since starting a business? If so, what techniques can you share that have helped you through? Let us know in the comments below.
thank you for sharing this – I’m just at the start of the process you’ve been through of ending a marriage, and still lots to work through (including with my kids), but it’s an encouragement of sorts to see other people being able to openly share the hurt and frustrations that come with this
Thanks for your comment, Adrian. One thing I’ve learned is that I have to allow myself to be vulnerable in order to process what has happened and to move forward. Ending a long-term relationship is never going to be easy. Allow yourself and your family the time that you need to get through it.
Thanks for sharing Danielle. It’s brave. Agreed that ambition can suffocate a relationship. I find that I have to take on less so that I can fit everything into my life. I have a printed out list of ‘Busy footprint’, a list of basically a warning sign so when I feel tension, I look at the list, if it hits more than 3 items, I stop everything and focus on myself and the people around me. This has helped me quite a bit since April 2016.
I’d love to know what’s on that list, Lia. I think it could be very useful for a lot of people!
Thanks very much for sharing your experience. I really do admire people who put in 110% into their business.
I just launched an online shop to sell ethical and sustainable fashion. In an attempt to mirror the values of my business, meaning slow and thoughtful, I’ve built this business on a unique approach. I try not to work on weekends (except to do photo shoots or pop-up shops) and I only work a couple of hours a week on weeknights (you see, I also work full-time during the day). I’m not hustling like most entrepreneurs, and I’m sure that’s partly why my sales have been slow, but I refuse to hurt my relationship and my health for this business. Working full time takes a big chunk out of my business time, and this’ll slow its progress down, but I’m OK with that.
Ethical and sustainable fashion is all about mindfulness, of slowing down, of taking care, of valuing quality, not quantity, and of simplifying life. How can I run this kind of business but be a burnt out mess? Am I crazy trying to attempt this type of slow business? Am I dreaming that it could actually work? I hope not. I hope people prove my theory right, that they’ll support a small business that values a work-life balance. The hustle and bustle of regular entrepreneurialism is focused so much on money, of selling more and more, of making sales, of thinking about how to get people to buy your stuff. But with ethical and sustainable fashion, you have to balance the need to have a profitable business with encouraging mindful consumption.
I only want people to buy one of my pieces if they really like it, if they need it and if they’ll wear it often and for a long time. Yes, this means fewer purchases, but if this new business model means less money, so be it. I’d just like to make it profitable enough to live off of. Any tips? Anyone else trying to run a “slow” business?
I really love what you’ve written around slow business and I 100% agree that you need to design a business to fit whatever lifestyle you’re aiming to achieve. It is still possible to run a business in the manner you’ve mentioned and make it profitable enough to live off of. You may just need to try and attract more customers to make single or few purchases rather than attracting a few customers who buy a lot. The principals of “regular entrepreneurship” apply to you, too, but that doesn’t mean you need to do them in a way that feels incompatible with your beliefs. I’d suggest grabbing a free copy of Venture Vitals (over in the right side bar of this page) to learn a few more tips about what you should be focusing on to build your business your way.
Much appreciated! I will 🙂 And I’m happy to hear you say this slow model can work. I think so too!
This information would surely help anyone who is in a situation such as this. Thanks for sharing.